Traveling in Morocco was a great learning experience for myself. I learnt how to get lost in the middle of the Sahara during a sand storm and how to barter for wives with camels. But, I also learnt several life lessons which I feel I must impart on you should you ever travel to Morocco:

Always look down

If you are walking through Marrakech, stare at the ground at all times. If for whatever reason you need to look up, be prepared to be charged for watching a performance that was happening on the other side of town or be attacked by a hoard of monkeys and then be charged for taking photos with them.

Keep your mouth shut in the desert

Even if your nose is already full of sand, trust me, keep your mouth shut. I’m pretty sure I ate my own body weight in sand over the two days I spent in the Sahara.

Every one already knows its hot

They are reminded with every beating heat wave and don’t need you reminding them also. Not only will you get a mouth full of sand but you will also get a shoe full of sand.. to the face.

Don’t be a tail ender

In addition to eating a shit load of sand, I also ate several camel farts while riding at the back of the pack. As I found out, camels fart a lot. Like, more than any healthy living thing should. I would recommend staying at the front.

Camels are having none of it

As surprising as it is, camels do not appreciate it when you pretend they are a bucking bull. They will sit down and not get up.

Camels are not made to be ridden

And then Satan said “lets put a hump on it just for good measure”. Everything about them screams get the fuck off me. The boney hump, the awkward getting up two legs at a time, the jerking forwards and backwards motion as they walk, everything. Sitting comfortably on a camel is about as easy as doing the YMCA in Chinese. Contrary to popular belief, camel humps are not full of water, they are full of bitter resentment for human squishy bits. Great service for carrying your bags across the desert – limited market for slow and painful vasectomies.

Gypsies are not to be fucked with

Do not ask the gypsies for their tears. They will use their gypsy magic and put a curse on you. You will eat a lot of sand for it.

Don’t throw rocks

There’s not a whole lot to do in the desert, and as tempting as it is, don’t pick up the little pebbles that scatter the camel trails. They aren’t rocks.

Don’t be a backseat bandit

Don’t sit in the back of the jeeps when they go over the sand dunes.. unless you want your head through the roof.

squeezyJet

Do not fly easyJet. Ever. It is like paying for a form of mild torture.

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